19 February, 2010

mostly archiving

Soooo...this concept is kinda new and scary to me-- I had a MySpace blog *waaaaaay* back in the day, but the vast majority of it was comprised of overly-introspective whininess interspersed with the occasional instance of wittiness or insight.
Still, i think the first thing I'm going to use this for is to archive that old stuff "just in case" i feel like reading it or referencing it at some point.

don't judge me, people, it's a work in progress.

01 January, 2010

Archive: April 2004

Friday, April 30, 2004

Apparently, dumpsters are big business...
Funny, that as we're preparing to open a new store, I'm collecting bids from "solid-waste disposal" companies left an' right...guess once you're not subject to using the City, everyone wants a piece of your trash.
Who knew the man was keepin' us down in such subtle ways? ;o)

No, no political rants from me today...I've got it all under control. At least, in that arena. The rest of it is still chaotic as usual.

I've decided that emotional detachment is still the way to go--for a brief period, i thought maybe I was safe letting the guard down a bit, and while that might actually be true, I seem to become decidedly stupid when i'm not on edge at least a little bit...like letting the "Ohmygoddon'tHURTme" awareness drop for a second is free rein to behave like an idiot and make decisions that are a little tough to live with for a while.
Not to mention that i'm suddenly feeling *depths* of emotion that haven't affected me in years...like maybe whatever seratonin-deprived part of my brain made me numb for so long finally decided to wake up and get to work..but i'm not used to it anymore; I don't really understand how to contain elation or hide that stupid gnawing pain you get when the ONE person you want to want you has no intention of granting that wish...falling asleep doesn't cut it anymore (which has always been a foolproof plan of evasion for such feelings), i can't pass out with all this stuff going on in my head....
I LOVE my job, despite all the stress, i love my old-school falling-apart house and my puppy and my crazy (but unbelievably patient) roomies...shouldn't that be ENOUGH? What's the deal with this random emotional neediness?
Why isn't it enough anymore that I just have someone to hang out with, talk to, party with, etc...why does it suddenly matter that all of the above need to be ONE person? It's always been fine with me to have the "fun" guy, the "uptight" guy, the drama guy, etc all kinda hanging around--not necessarily involved in any way, just there--but ooooooh no, apparently now that's NOT ok and it's time to be "serious" about something.
What's the DEAL with that? And why dont i have any say in it....i'm thinkin' this whole 'hormones' thing isn't all it's meant to be--those little beasties have way too much control over what I think and feel.
If this is what the whole 'adult' game feels like, I'll turn in my resignation NOW and get started on being the best damn street musician ever....if i'm gonna be out of balance like this for the rest of my life, I may as well enjoy the madness on the way!

And now....to go discuss theology with my 16-year-old brother. This should be rather interesting, no?
Happy weekend!
_____________________________________________________________
Thursday, April 29, 2004

The Endless Thursday
So...it's almost the end of the week, my room/house is a HORRIBLE mess, and the last half-hour at the office seems to be lasting FOREVER!!! I know I lost a lot of potentially productive time last weekend, and I should spend my evening cleaning, organizing, and otherwise making up for that, but... *i just wanna DANCE!* Wait, wrong quote...no dancing, just chillin' with a frosty beverage, i think. Besides, it's now officially (dum dum dummmmmmm) SINUS SEASON, which means that i can't breathe, and also means that i'm at my least attractive (don't know how many people gravitate towards shniffly, squinty, miserable women, but i sure haven't found 'em yet!), so I should spend at least part of this initial week acclimating myself to having absolutely no reliable senses. By drinking beer. It makes sense, you just hafta think outside the box a little. Or take a whole lotta Claritin--that helps with the whole "abstract conceptualization" thing, too. :o) Are we sure that stuff should be legal?? Sick thing is, i'm actually in a great mood...i just SOUND like i'm talking from a cave about 10 feet underwater....which doesn't tend to fit in with the perky disposition, i guess. *shrug* call me a study in contrasts. Whatever. *THIS*DAY*WILL*NEVER*END* Maybe i'll drive out to the beach for a bit an' just hang out and enjoy the air before summer REALLY gets going...I do miss my little ocean-solitude walks sometimes, especially when i'm not running the risk of stifling humidity. Jeebus. Think maybe i have a lot on my mind?? This million-page blog thing is getting scary...maybe i'll just go find a bum an' pay him to sit and "listen" to me ramble for a while...spare everyone else! FIVE....MORE....MINUTES....
_______________________________________________________________
Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Somewhere, somehow....
someone will explain to me how it is that someone who's supposedly intelligent can be such a g'ddamn idiot. someone famous once claimed that the definition of insanity is "doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results." *WELL* i'm slowly starting to agree with that point--it didn't seem extreme enough to suggest insanity when i first heard it, but really, INsanity is just the lack of sanity, logic, rationale--not necessarily the presence of madness, as it often suggests. Thus, I think i'm working on a career as this concept's poster child. Y'see, I can't pinpoint where this cycle needs to stop....i started out as a kid, all dreamy and full of hope, etc...which was crushed a little more violently than the average teen's wide-eyed wistfulness should be. I fought against developing the proverbial "walls" for a while, then just kinda let it happen...didn't need to hurt like that again, blah blah blah...alas, forlorn, poor little punk rock girl with trust issues. Sigh. So now, having reached a point in my life that i'd actually LIKE to have a functional, sharing adult relationship, it seems that i've rendered myself almost incapable. I mean, it's not that i'm desperate for something long-term and committed (God, no), but i'd seriously like to think there's something about me that makes me worth more than 24 hours or so.... Maybe i'm thinking about this a little too hard--this "trend" i'm analysing has only taken place twice, so it's hardly the stuff tragedies are made of--but I think i'm more shaken by the idea that I suddenly *want* something real than by the idea that i don't know how to pursue finding it. Or maybe not. Maybe it's the idea that, unlike what i've done in the past, i don't want to be with someone I have total control over, someone that exists to make sure they've made me happy. I've never found that fulfilling (hence, the reason those relationships have ended), and yet, i've always gravitated towards more passive people, since they're less threatening. Less likely to really offer the connection human beings crave, granted, but still less likely to leave me bruised. So suddenly i want someone in my life who challenges me...someone i can learn from, laugh with, share things with, etc...but in searching for that i keep coming across "depraved playboy with heart of gold" or some other literary-sounding anomaly. And I fall for it, every damn time. If someone had told me ten years ago that "You really have pretty eyes" would be all it would take to change a 'no' to an 'ok,' i'd have slapped them. what the hell happened to my sense of self in the past few years that i've lost any possible ability to judge character?! ..and how the hell am i writing so much??? breakdown impending in 5....
________________________________________________________________
Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Dance, magic pants....
"You say i'm not a musician? I hold my own, bitch--I play the microphone"

I have NO idea why i happen to like that line so much.

Granted, I have little explanation for a LOT of things i like (spending my teens wanting to name my first offspring Echo, par example), but still...it'd help if things i was drawn to actually reflected my opinions.

Logic has no place in my life. And today has the potential to be the longest day EVER...it's...INTERNAL AUDIT DAY!!! The day when every number that's ever left my calculator get checked, re-checked, and then deleted! Woohoo! My absolute favorite! :o) It's like starting over, only with painful reminders of inadequacy along the way!
Granted, i'll sure rest easier once it's over, but the next eight hours are gonna be brutal. Distractions are welcome, but please, no badger-grams (you know who you are...) or anything of the like.
Angry punk rock, or Murphy-induced daze as the theme for the day?? So many questions, indeed.
Beers after work, anyone? I'm sure i'll be in truly rare form....heehee
slugs an' hisses, kids. ;o)
________________________________________________________________
Friday, April 16, 2004

a slightly tingly sensation....
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! I breathed the same air as someone who shares 25% of their DNA with Dave Grohl!!!!!!!!!! I may now die a happy woman. *thud*
_________________________________________________________________
Monday, April 12, 2004 (9:47am)

It's a Monday, full of good intentions
So here's the deal. I've pretty much sworn to amend my evil ways and F O C U S a little more at work, beginning this week. I don't think i like that, i mean, i definitely feel like i should do my job to the best of my ability (i'd like to think that's an assumption...), but 10 hours is a long day, and there are so many shiny things that offer potential for distraction, you know? Who am I to turn away pretty things that want my momentary attention?? Particularly if they're of the human persuasion, and they offer attention BACK--I have to admit i'm pretty affection-starved right now (if it wasn't for my crazed puppy, i think i'd go insane), so if people feel like paying me attention, i'm not too good at LA RESISTANCE (Frenchlaugh, muahahahahaha) right now. Stupid needing people in my life. what's THAT all about?? ;o) K, so here I go with the concentration thing...updates later. Err, i mean, NO updates later, cos that's a distraction. Yeah.
***
Monday, April 12, 2004 (11:44am)

Heeeeyyy, imagine that.
I'm distracted already. Maybe i drink too much coffee. Or maybe i need a radio. Yeah, i think that might help a little....music helps with focus, i hear. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This, kids, is why the Good Lord invented opiates. Now, if only i could actually partake in such blessings, i might have a chance of escaping with a teeny bit of sanity. Not bloody likely. :o) Later.
_______________________________________________________________
Thursday, April 08, 2004

What....is this thing?
So...in an attempt to depart from my usual pattern of succumbing to random lust and then thinking, "what the hell, i may as well date this guy since we're getting naked anyway," I spent yesterday evening in the company of a Blind Date. We'll call him Al. It wasn't TOTALLY blind, i mean, i'd seen a picture and stuff, but seeing that the picture he'd seen of ME was at least three years old, I wasn't really counting on that as an accurate reference. Too much guesswork (and eventual disappointment) involved with using photos as reference, so i kidna went into it without any sort of preconcieved anything--'cept maybe a desire to drink a little vino and hopefully have a good time. And funny thing...i *did*. What's that again? Yeah, i actually really enjoyed myself (hmm...i mean, I had an enjoyable evening?). We just had a couple drinks, threw bowling balls at scared little pins, talked about growing up CatholicJock,and laughed. A lot. I think it was a little slow to get going, but I definitely noticed a little kinetic energy flowin' around by the end of the evening...haven't had the totally innocent "oooo, does he LIKE me??" feeling in a long time. I like it, i think...nothing happened at all, just a goodnight hug-thing, but that's totally ok. It seems i might dig this whole slow-semi-formal "actual dating" approach after all. Though i'm still a big fan of naked. But NOT the eventual letdown that goes along with that approach. Ohhh no, i can do without that one for quite a while. So, we'll see. I hope he actually calls me (i've honestly never SAID that before, guess there's something novel about dating outside the same group of friends for once!), but i refuse to get all worked up about it. For the next half-hour, anyway. ;o) That's all for me; we'll just have to see about ol' Al.
_______________________________________________________________
Tuesday, April 06, 2004

why do i only use this thing as catharsis, anyway?
Journal, journal, take me away! ...it's kinda like Calgon, only with fewer bubbles. An' not as yummy smelling. This is the part where I try to wax philosophic so I have some kind of justification for not depleting the mountain of paperwork on my desk....but I can't really come up with anything at all that doesn't sound remarkably Machiavellian...which isn't, in essence, a BAD thing...unless it's aimed towards one's dog. In that case, it just become purely unfair--"even big ol' watery brown eyes can't stand up to my IRON WILL and FLAWLESS LOGIC!!! HAAAAAAAAAAhahahahahaha!!!" Erm, NO. Even when it's a silly little Shmacky-shmacky foo-dog, I can't begin to justify violent means of "teaching" it not to gnaw on my toes while i sleep. Besides, its eyeballs would probably pop out, and that's just gross. Though someone's gotta get it through the Pekingese foo-brain that slurpy on Aunt Colleen's toes gives her crazy dreams...and anything that contributes to her "issues" just isn't good. Ya know? Bleh. K...think i'm done now. Shout-outs at 11:00. tee hee

Archive: January-March, 2004

Note:
These WERE actually written on the dates listed, so let's not over-judge the 23-year-old with her first high-pressure job (and access to unlimited espresso). I resisted the urge to edit this stuff, too...sometimes against my better judgment. Cope.



____________________________________________________________________
Thursday, March 25, 2004

I think it's the caffiene. At least, i hope so...

Why am i CRAZY? I mean, other than staring at numbers all day, balancing bank accounts, not eating, and drinking somewhere around nine cups of coffee...if THAT'S all it takes to send me into a lapse of sanity, then the human form is weaker than i'd feared. Stupid Charles, no escape clause written into that whole "survival of the fittest" business...not to mention he prolly banked more on opium than on caffiene. Entirely different effects on the reproductive output of humans, no? Well, that an' he was thinking a little more about beasties than people, but why would *i* differentiate? I'm making a point here. i think. somewhere. Arrr, going in search of some black-market Ritalin....and back to the numbers. Weee!!!
__________________________________________________________________
Thursday, March 18, 2004

let's do the tax-season tango!!!

say it with me, kids..."sales tax is evil!" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!! college education be damned, there's something to be said for having absolutely no marketable skills...y'know what that is?? NO STRESS!!!!! cos now, i feel like i'm supposed to know how to do things that i DEFINITELY didn't learn in finance classes....and it's making me insane! mostly 'cos there was someone else defective whose "work" i have to take care of now, but still....insanity is what it is, there's not too much I can do about that! Shnarl....it's gonna be a long weekend.
___________________________________________________________________
Monday, February 23, 2004

relationships=satan
actually, that's not true--i think i have more respect for said Prince of Darkness than i do for friggin' relationshippy-things. Arrrhhhhh. i'm ALWAYS the "gee, i wish i could find a girlfriend just like you!" girl. WHAT'S wrong with ME, then!?!? why LIKE me and NOT me?!?! *snarl* granted, it could be the prickly anticomittal attitude, but still...that's just a firewall. test it, and it crumbles. i just like a little adversity.
___________________________________________________________________
Monday, February 16, 2004

monday, monday

yes...there is no fruit. AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!! whywhywhywhy must Mondays be the stressful days? I mean, come on--I even got CUTE today, and all i'm doing is trying not to pull my hair out. Sometimes numbers are fun and challenging. Today, they are my nemesis. They laugh at me..."SURPRISE," they say, "We multiplied, but not in the good way! Now you have two and a half billion of us to account for, and there's no record of us! Some of us are positive and some are negative! YAY! and if you guess us wrong, you'll go to jail! YAAAAAAAAAY! Party with the numbers!" snarl. back to the taunting. ;o)
____________________________________________________________________
Wednesday, February 11, 2004

i'm having a Mrs. Robinson moment. Err...well, at least sorta, without the "old" part--and the daughter part. But still. It's disturbing.
____________________________________________________________________
Thursday, February 05, 2004

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT!!!!
hate. destruction. fire an' flames and all-consuming DOOM. (just be patient, i'll be back to my usual perky self in a moment) It's ONE thing to be blown off in a social/personal sense--you take it as an affront, but at the same time, people are indeed "human" and if they ditch you, you can just assume that there wasn't a connection made, for whatever reason, and get on with life. BUT When the SAME individual worms their way into your PROFESSIONAL life, earns the trust of your superiors, and then blows you off AGAIN, it's just...plain...wrong. As long as i can take an insult upon myself, i don't mind as much (read: much sulking), but when i schedule a goddamn meeting on company time, to be stood up is more than just embarrassing. It makes ME look like i'm not performing to standard, and it makes me FEEL like i can't do my damn job, which i KNOW isn't the case, but i can't exactly explain to my boss that some moron decided to 'postpone' our meeting because he has bizarre freudian power issues. snarl. i can't even blame myself for getting naked with business associates, as he decided to get involved with the company AFTER the fact. i don't understand how this became MY problem, but here it is...i'm lacking the info i need for a presentation, and feeling like an a b s o l u t e loser... and i'm cute, dammit. (that's what it all comes down to, really. why am i not cute ENOUGH? seriously, if people were just more shallow, i'd win more often. yeah.) back to work--there's nothing like analyzing bank documents to make a girl feel better about herself! oi. better now.
__________________________________________________________________
Saturday, January 31, 2004

i think my muse woke up
funny thing, really...i lived and breathed music pretty much my whole life (well, from age 4 on), and a couple years ago, something just died--i stopped caring, stopped hearing things the way i always had. so i stopped playing/singing/writing...all of it. and though i haven't been totally "lost" per se, i haven't felt like 'me', either. the point is, i think whatever it was that i lost is being rebuilt, though slowly, and i've been feeling a real desire to start writing and playing again--frustrating, because i feel so rusty, like it's a life that's not mine, like it's a community i'm not part of anymore, but at the same time, i think any challenges i might go through will be worth it. i hope. Now....to just stay motivated long enough to get the ball rolling without being horribly discouraged. Argh.
_______________________________________________________________
Wednesday, January 28, 2004

01/28/04

I hate numbers. Especially the ones related to the bank. Days like today, i regret ever taking Acctg 1010 in college--it started all this insanity, i could be a perfectly successful hippie-sidewalk-musician by now if i hadn't taken calculus for fun. Grrr. Back to the crunching--say something nice so i feel justified in *not* being violent by the time i get out of this office! ;o)